To You

Dear You,

I have been thinking a lot about you. And believe me when I tell you, I know your sadness.

Yes, I know our circumstances are not the same, you may say yours are harder to absorb, more complicated. But then, the triggers are all different for all of us. It may be a loss of a loved one, a separation, or even disappointment over work.

But believe me when I tell you that I can feel for you. I know how it is to wake up in the morning, feeling so unimportant that the whole world can function without you, that everything you touch turns into disaster. Failure after failure, for what? I feel for you. I can feel your trembling heart when you want to fight that rock in your throat, fighting back the tears. And when you force a smile to show how everything about you is doing well, when all you want to do is sulk in one corner and imagine how small and powerless you have become.

I feel for you when people try to say nice things to you, but you believe they know nothing of how you really are. That you are miles away from them, down below. I feel for you when you can't find the strength to breathe, and get through just an hour or two. Or when you wake up still with that heavy heart that you carried from nights before. I feel for you as you stare at the blank ceiling, thinking, worrying, crying.

Yes, we have become so minute in this grand scheme of things. Yes, we have no power to change things, and we do not know why these tragedies do not seem to get tired of us, one after the other. Until we are absolutely empty.

Empty.

But then, even the fish and the birds, ladybugs and worms, small as they are and relatively of no value, they are taken care of. God is there to make sure that they are safe, even if nobody else will do that for them.

It is when we are the at our most vulnerable, at our weakest, when life simply cannot give us answers to all our countless questions that God is performing His miracles. When we are most alone, and empty, God picks us up and lifts us, putting us in a better position. And in a few moments, His greater, much better plan will unfold.

Yes, you. You in your most withered, tired and depressed state. You who have no strength to fight life's battles. And you how cannot see how beautiful this world is especially since you are in it. You are not alone. I believe God works through people as well. And so I just want to say that God loves you. And I love you as well.

Tornado

Tornado


Can you actually feel the air, first whistling through your ear?
Only to find it louder, stronger, deadlier?
A whisper turns into a cloud
A dream, into a nightmare.

I am in the middle.
It twirls fast.
It chases me
While I stand firmly on the ground.

Why pick me?
All around me,
Houses, pieces of paper
Sharp objects

They are all blown into the cone.
They scratch me.
Scathe me.
Strip me naked.

I can hardly breathe.
I get dizzy.
I get blown by the wind.
But I still hold firmly.

Each finger lets go.
I scream.
My hair, my clothes,
my sanity.
Everything is pulled away from me.



Until the last finger lets go.
I close my eyes.
Fighting whatever ounce I have

And I enter into a world.
One last kick.
But I'm drawn.

I can hardly breathe.
I can see the world
whirling.
Until I finally close my eyes.

Dolphy, etc. on my mind

With the demise of Dolphy, one can't help but feel a huge, unexplainable loss in the entertainment business. If you think about it, he's no relative of mine (even if he had many families and I have so many relatives!), and the last time I watched a show with Dolphy was at least 5 years ago.

But he was a fixture in our lives, he made people laugh. And he also made people cry. I remember watching his show John and Marsha, and the iconic lines, "Kaya ikaw John, magsumikap ka!!" and "Mato, magwalis-walis ka nag ng sahib" and there would be money from under the rug like dust.

I think Dolphy was even better at drama. I remember watching this episode of Maalaala Mo Kaya and he and he portrayed Vandolph's father, but had to hide that fact since he gave up Vandolph to his sister. My God, my sister caught me crying when they had to part. I was probably in high school then, and knew nothing about being a parent, but I really felt his heart break as he let go of his own son.

I do think he's one of the most talented persons ever created. And even his personal life can attest to the fact that many, many people loved him. Yes, he was a womanizer, a bit polygamous with the harem-like arrangements, but no one is perfect. And I do find it out of respect that he did not marry Zsa zsa so that all the other children would not be considered illegitimate.

Anyway, I guess I'm being all wistful and sad, because he is an icon, and someone we are just used to living with. And I guess it reminds me of my own personal dealings. I have been uprooted from Pasig and brought to the world of Quezon City. And I realized that I had taken for granted a lot of things, conveniences I used to have in Valle. Now I have to adjust to the distance, to the far malls (my retail therapy!!) and groceries, and to my own family that is now far away.

But like with Dolphy's passing, I guess it's also time to move on. It's time to build new memories, build new experiences. Dolphy will forever be the king of comedy, but now it's a brand new ball-game for the others to make their move. And likening this in my life (I'm feeling symbolic, all of a sudden), it's really up to me to choose to use my new home to my advantage.

But please give me time to grieve, too....

GIRLS

*photo courtesy of pjmedia.com

My 28 year old co-teacher introduced me to this HBO series. With the forewarning that it's no Sex and The City. She's correct. The film's texture reminds me of an indie one, all edited to look like it's not edited. And the first two episodes got me thinking if I was really the market for this kind of show. And I think I still am.

The show deals with twenty-something girls who are trying to figure out their lives in the city, trying to be independent but are living their lives with uncontrollable circumstances (no job, no money). Of course, love is a big part. And so is sex. As for me, I am a thirty-something mommy who has two children, also trying to make it big somewhere (motherhood? teaching? personal styling?). Dating is not an issue for me here since these women are all single, but their needs are very universal. In other words, I can still relate!!

I particularly find Hannah incredibly ordinary-looking, but extraordinarily talented. My other friend hated her in her indie film, so fat and always exposing herself. I get it. The first two episodes with her, she is quite irritating. But her homeliness grows on you. She is plain, and smart but can be stupid, needy and sometimes self-deprecating. BUt she is also strong when she wants to be, charming too and very very witty. She is painfully plain and awkward with her choice (or no choice) of putting together her clothes, not washing her hair, undressing herself with no shame. But you also feel her vulnerability (sometimes masked in catty wit). And that I do find endearing in her. On the side, I only realized she is the writer, actor, and producer of the show. How brillant!!

I have only watched a few episodes but I am hooked. I laugh, smile, and sometimes shed a tear and even though I don't feel I'm part of their group, I somehow feel I'm their older sister who has been through some of their experiences. That I also went through their journey. But that I can also learn a thing or two about their generation.

Revenge of the Nerds

I am getting my draft today. I am also having a quiz in my penalty course. After decades and decades of being disciplined by the academe and even working in the academe, I still get scared. I still get grade conscious. I still feel guilty when I am unable to read my handouts.

I was never the stereotypical nerd. Maybe I lacked the cognitive ability. I was always high average in my IQ tests, and everyone thought I was an overachiever (siguro ang baba talaga ng IQ ko). My mom would always joke that I showed so much promise in kinder, only to be average as I grew up. And I was always compared to my eldest sister who was a genius. I flunked out of Law school after topping exams the sem before. Imagine what effect this had on my self perception!!


Now that I'm a little older (not wiser, hehe), there are many realizations I have about myself. One is that I am blessed. Yeah, I have these limitations, weaknesses (you have no idea what an exam could do to me), distractions (so weak I will resort to reading 50 shades darker instead of researching)(and I always forget what I'm supposed to do!!!!), but I think at the end of the day, I get the job done! Yup, I am a scatterbrain, but once I hyperfocus, better be sure you perform your end of the deal or I bark at you. Also that I am older, a little more jaded and experienced, I am less afraid to tell you what you did or did not do.


Maybe I'm beginning to love myself more. Or tolerate myself even better.

Arrrggghhh.....

I am so angry. I mean it. I don't even know why anymore. Or with whom. The anger just keeps piling up until I guess it it's time to explode.


I noticed a stupid phenomenon. Is it mercury retrograde of some sort? It's as if I cannot get the message through, and back to me. What is wrong with me??


My thesis adviser whom I consider a god of knowledge thought that I was being irresponsible and arrogant. If she only knew, I'm even worse!! Haha. No, really, and all because I got the wrong information. I mean really, instead of people scolding their students, why can't they see our effort? I know how hard it is to complete my thesis. As my good friend who is equally gifted said, they should be happy and grateful I'm trying to finish this!! Bless her!! And this is one of those days that I want to give up.


Except that my really hurried and sloppy draft is waiting for me in my adviser's room. With all the corrections, COMMENTS, or even a clean draft which means, do it all over again. GOD, the waiting is killing me.


I seriously want to just stop. But part of me, a big part of me wants to fight this. It's really easy to walk away. But I guess everyone has his/her stressors. And this is mine. At least I can say that if I don't get to finish it, I fought a good fight. With teaching, I'm already at a point in my life that I know I'm good at it. But with a thesis, I always need to defend myself and it makes me feel really insecure. It's like I'm dumb and I have to pay them to confirm that I am.


Breathe, dear. Tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow I will get my draft and kill all the bad thoughts I have in my brain.

Birthday Blues, Pinks, Kinks...

"I keep forgetting it's my birthday tomorrow. Until I realized why I was so cranky the whole day. I'm having the blues. I have not done anything extraordinary or spectacular. If I get wiped out today, tomorrow, there is nothing that would link me as einstein is to relativity. So, I'm in some panic mode now, trying to search for memories that would help me feel that I had actually achieved something." Alright, alright. This was the day before my birthday, and I guess I was into some kind of drama. Not the best comeback, right? It's been a long time since I wrote here in my infamous blog (as if, well, allow me my illusions of grandeur!!) and I realized how much I missed it!! I even changed the title of this blog, because I realized that I'm really not all that positive (haha, I try to be) and I want to be true to myself (but not so true that I'll write the title the bitchy, shitty mother, right? See, I have some ounce of self preservation!!). My students might catch this and yes, I have a reputation to take care of. Well, a lot has happened althroughout this time. I have gained (weight) and I have lost (seriously, a family member). I am quite different from the first time I logged in. My self confidence seesaws, and so does my sanity. I think I'm stronger now (except no marathon talk anymore, my knees are jammed. I'll walk the whole time.) I am back in the academe to finish my MA (i.e., kissing asses again). I now have two kids I am crazy about, and I still have my traveling. Well, well, well, here's to more writing.