Birth Pains

Im so sleepy. Yet I can't sleep. Is this the result of exhaustion? Probably. Or a cup of brewed coffee. Oh well. anyway, yes, I have given birth already. I am now trying to overcome the pain of a caesarian birth, and this common but not so common case of my recovery from my adhesions poses a challenge. I want to enumerate all my pains, in order for me to overcome them.

- adhesions
- sore nipples from breastfeeding
- lack of sleep
- hunger
- anxiety
- other body pains

My adhesions are really, really bad. Even my ob gyne feels for me, although she never experienced it. The pain heightens at night, when I am really exhausted and eager to sleep. And it is bothersome when I pee, sneeze, laugh, or cough. Terrible, terrible. This will take about a month or two to fully disappear.

Sore nipples- Agustin is not just a voracious eater but a cranky, fussy voracious eater. He gets so fussy before he can latch onto my nipple. It's crazy. It takes 5 to even 20 minutes for him to succeed, and it bothers me. Although once he gets it, it gets smooth sailing already. i think the lack of patience comes from me. After all he is only reaching his second week, and I am so eager to get past the adjustment stage. So there, I know I need a support system (hubby, etc) to let me get through this.

Anxiety - that is my problem now. My mind keeps running wild with unnecessary worries, thinking and thinking, to a point I am in tears and crying uncontrollably. I have no reason to be sad, in fact I am grateful for everything. But, I find myself fearful of the future, thinking of what will happen, trying to protect my two children. I feel guilty that I have to let go of my first born as my baby, but I also feel sad that she has also let go of me as the center of her life. It is a sad and painful journey to witness this, but I guess, I just have to accept this change. She is sometimes regressing, sometimes acting up, but I am also glad that she loves her baby brother very much.And as much as possible I try to involve her in taking care of the baby.

There. Now that I have finally written down my thoughts and feelings, I feel a little bit unloaded. I know this is temporary, fleeting, and that in due time, things will get better. I know it...

For My Babies

To my Ava and Baby Coochie, this song is for you. Thank you...

What are you doing the rest of your life
North and South and East and West of your life
I have only one request of your life
Is that you spend it all with me.

All the seasons and the times of your days
All the nickels and the dimes of your days
Let the reason and the rhymes of your days
All begin and end with me.

I want to see your face in every kind of light.
In fields of gold
And forests of the night.
And when you stand before the candles on a cake,
Let me be the one to hear the silent wish you make.

Those tomorrows waiting deep in your eyes.
In a world of love you keep in your eyes
Ill awaken whats asleep in your eyes.
It may take a kiss or two

Through all of my life
Summer, winter, spring and fall of my life.
All I ever will recall of my life
Is all of my life
With you.

LET IT ALL OUT!!!!!

I cannot thank God enough for listening to my prayers. I was not sure I would be able to see Tears for Fears on May 2, but a week before that, my spotting had stopped already.

And it was the best decision to brave Araneta Coluseum, with the mad fans all lost in awe and worship. It was pretty uplifting!! It also helped that I was with my college buddies, the most game and fun people you can be with during concerts!!

Well, of course, it started with a few hurdles. Lost tickets, rerouting due to heavy traffic, verification of affidavit, and finally, lining up to get good seats. Araneta is the best concert venue in terms of securing yourself with good seats and a pretty good view.

I did not vomit the whole day, and good thing, despite my excitement, I showed no urge to do so there at the concert. But as fate would have it, I missed the historic entrance of Curt Smith in the half complete Mad World Intro. Had to go to the bathroom.

Yup, some songs were not sung, Change, Mothers Talk (one of my faves), and Advice for the Young At Heart, probably, you just have to rely on your Video Hot Tracks Memories.

I remembered my two older sisters and how much fun it would have been for them to see this. And I missed them terribly. I still recall the Top 10 songs that we used to watch, somehow despite our big age gaps, we had something in common. But like our laughter in the car with my college buds, no matter how far we want to stretch the time, we just simply enjoy a beautiful night and resume our daily tasks.

Great to see Ely Buendia, too...:)

Hoping for THE CURE!!

Bed Rest

It has been three years since I got pregnant. Somehow, motherhood overshadows the dark memories. This pregnancy, however, turns out to be more delicate than my first. Age, probably? Anyway, I dont remember spotting when I had Ava, and now, its like it is part and parcel of my first trimester.

Gosh, I have not had a life for about two weeks now, I have developed a fortress, forever in my bedroom. Watching Brothers and Sisters (I am almost up to date), reading to and with Ava, trying hard to enjoy every minute. But yes, I fail from time to time. I worry, sometimes, because I throw up almost everything I take in (lost 5 lbs since I got pregnant), I feel weak, and helpless. I miss going out, working out, living my life.

But then again, I have seen the baby in my womb. And despite the bitter taste I am struggling with, this baby is very strong willed and stubborn. And seeing his/her heart beat in that black screen, I get inspired to fight all the negative stuff I deal with, all the stuff I worry or dread. I hope for the best, that this child will be strong, and healthy, and for all that I have offered as sacrifice to make his/her life better. Hopefully my challenges will make this baby better.

Another Day, Another Destiny...

I guess my last race, Run United, will be the last. Good bye to running for now.

Hello, bed rest, spotting, and A NEW BABY!!:)

Its all worth it, I know. The 60 lbs. I accumulated from my first, and now, how many more? But, I am hoping to be more careful now. Especially since I am 34, and my body is not as agile as it was 3 years ago. Now I am yaya less for the Holy Week, I have no choice but to get my butt moving. Anyway, since I am ordered by my OB to be on bed rest, here are some things I have kept myself busy with...

1. DVD marathons. Yup, since the plan of doing my first marathon will not happen in about 2 years, I bought some movies to get myself engaged. I have watched Nine (mixed reaction: okay but overall quite forgettable), An Education (I liked it, I thought Carey Mulligans performance was notable, and the movie could REALLY happen), my usual shows: Modern Family, Project Runway (which I recommend!! Better than last season!!), Greys, Gossip (Chuck Bass, hello!!), and Brothers and Sisters.

2. Mommy Dearest, Well, I have to attend to Ava, so sometimes I do lose my patience. Sorry!! But I am so fixated on her thighs, thinking Im making her lihi.

3. Avenue Q: just watched it and thought it was hilarious...


Well, while Im still in my first trimester, I also need to rest. Hoping I find a fun activity while lying on my back...

Running The Run United Race

I thought last Sunday was the most organized race I had ever been on. Yes, it was packed, yes the route had been previously run, but marshalls that had megaphones, abundant drinks, the markers, even claiming freebies without the hassle of lining up was just unbeatable. I got my results the next day, and true enough, I did not do a sub60 in Century. The route was too short, which was the fault of the uninformed marshalls. Anyway, running 10k was a thrill for me. I did not walk at all. And it also did not hurt that I saw Aga Muhlach behind me, only to finish way before me. And the late but speedy Rovilson.

I dont know if a race will be this good or even better. But in my mind, something this expensive can also be worth it.

Anyway, I am getting a little bit more ambitious and I feel like I want to do long runs. Hopefully my knees wont rebel against me.

Family..

I am hooked on a new TV series, Modern Family. It''s hilarious!! It's about three connected families, and as the title explains, these families are not the usual kind. Anyway, known to be a comedy, I find myself in tears as the episode is about to end. Perhaps because beneath the different exterior or set up of these families, the issues are just plain universal. I am a parent myself, and I feel that despite how busy and dysfunctional families turn out to be, there is still respect, love and care for each member.

Anyway, speaking of family, my heart goes out to the family of the late JP U. I did not know this young man personally, but his sister is my daughter's teacher. The situation did not even call for any connection for anyone to feel the loss. Such a young guy, only boy in the family. I cannot imagine how the parents are feeling right now. Sorrow, anger, shock, you name it. I attended the wake teary eyed most of the time, and yet I never met him. Anyway,Ｉam praying for his soul and his best friend's too, and for the family for God's grace. I am trying to explain to my daughter, but the deepest thing she can comprehend is that it was something sad and that the brother is now in heaven, up in the sky.

After a Year...

I have to thank my husband for this. He was the one who pushed me to join my first race last year. On my birthday. It was the Happy Run, and from then on, I was committed.

Yup, for someone who is totally non commital, I chose to stick with running. The good and the bad times. The patient times, the competitive times, the frustrating times. The good and bad races, the accessories, the blogs, the websites,...

Yup, its been a year...

I guess I have gained a lot since then. One is that I dont need to join all the races to run. After joining so many last year, I have decided to be smart this time and just join those that I find meaningful and those that promise to deliver a good race. The last two races I joined were Race and Shine (For Autism, 5k), and since this was very personal to me (my 30 year old brother is autistic), I miraculously broke 40 and set a new record. I had tears in my eyes. I dedicated it to my brother, and like a true angel, he was that wind beneath my wings. And I did soar. That was a beautiful, fun, and intimate race for me. Not many people, but it was well organized. And everyone there thought about the cause.

Yesterday was my first 10k race since June. And I was not concerned about the time I wanted to beat, but more about the quality of my run. My biggest goal was just to finish it without walking. And we sometimes underestimate our own power, and yesterday was a true example. I was late due to the traffic. And gun time showed 1 hour 16 minutes, but my chip said I finished the route, without walking in an hour. My husband cannot believe it, I cannot believe it. But thats the timing chip, and I doubt it lies to please me. So I got more than I hoped for.

Its been a year...

And heres hoping for a half mary before the year ends...

I said hoping...:)

Back to Where I Belong

Alright. Its been a few weeks, and my last post sounded really suicidal. What that was about, I dont know. A combination of stress, PMS and major hormonal imbalance.

So what has happened since my telenovela episode? Let me enumerate...

1. My Birthday... I turned 34 last Jan. 25, and it seemed like any other day, but I was in a chirpy mood. Pretty thankful for the blessings that I received since I was born. Everyone tried to make the day as special. And I did feel special. Dinner in Korea Garden...Yum!

2. Macao... Shopping wise, I was so bitin. Venetian was a little too crowded, Wynn was a beauty, City of Dreams was a let down. Had a great time with baby, hubby, mom and dad. Coming home was a major challenge. We were delayed because of our boat ride from Macao to HK due to the thick fog, but everything became surreal thereafter. The rocky boat stop, the taxi stand, the wrong terminal, the whole golf cart experience. Definitely one for the books. There was excitement and fear, but we made it!!

3. Back to Running... So excited for the 10k race on the 21st. Of course, my time has not changed at all, but I believe my run has improved tremendously. Although I am lucky to break 90 mins... sheesh. Im sure walkers will even be faster. But what the hell...

4. New Hobby: STYLING!! Suddenly, I am so fashion conscious. It started actually when our old house burned down, and I realized, among others (serious matters take precedence!!) that I had the worst fat clothes, that I only have one life, then improve myself from the inside as well as the out... (thats why I got into fitness, too). Then I fell in love with fashion and style. Dont get me wrong, I still wear dusters and I still do dress down, but my closet has gone through seasonal editing since. And now I read about different styles, clothes that I consider a piece of art (but I still would not buy due to my meager budget!), dressing simply but a little bit more polished, hunting for bargains but investing in lifetime pieces, learning to accessorize, even learning to wear heels. Bottom line, I have become more developed and refined in my style, but my friends have noticed the difference. Well, one whole post I can dedicate on book reviews just on style alone. So watch out for that!

5. On teaching, my calling... I guess its time to work full time, where I really belong. I feel my little girl will be alright even if I start to work full time. I am thankful for my part time stint, it made me realize how much I miss preschool...

So I guess thats it for now. I still have a lot to explore, cooking, sewing...

Tunnel

It has been so long, and I feel a little weird going public with my life again...

So much has happened... It is 2010. And I have lost a little weight just to gain it back.


10k has become reachable, only very slowly. I have continued to teach, but I realized I cannot stand parent stress. It is killing my spirit.

I know I am a good one, but sometimes, you cannot help but doubt yourself. Especially when you know kids get pressured from these grade conscious, competitive parents.

That said, I am currently in a low state, unable to find fulfillment in what I do. And it RADIATES like a stupid bomb, and for some inane reason it is just so hard to pick myself up.

I guess its one of those days...


I have to snap out of this. Soon...