Monday, July 16, 2012

GIRLS

*photo courtesy of pjmedia.com

My 28 year old co-teacher introduced me to this HBO series. With the forewarning that it's no Sex and The City. She's correct. The film's texture reminds me of an indie one, all edited to look like it's not edited. And the first two episodes got me thinking if I was really the market for this kind of show. And I think I still am.

The show deals with twenty-something girls who are trying to figure out their lives in the city, trying to be independent but are living their lives with uncontrollable circumstances (no job, no money). Of course, love is a big part. And so is sex. As for me, I am a thirty-something mommy who has two children, also trying to make it big somewhere (motherhood? teaching? personal styling?). Dating is not an issue for me here since these women are all single, but their needs are very universal. In other words, I can still relate!!

I particularly find Hannah incredibly ordinary-looking, but extraordinarily talented. My other friend hated her in her indie film, so fat and always exposing herself. I get it. The first two episodes with her, she is quite irritating. But her homeliness grows on you. She is plain, and smart but can be stupid, needy and sometimes self-deprecating. BUt she is also strong when she wants to be, charming too and very very witty. She is painfully plain and awkward with her choice (or no choice) of putting together her clothes, not washing her hair, undressing herself with no shame. But you also feel her vulnerability (sometimes masked in catty wit). And that I do find endearing in her. On the side, I only realized she is the writer, actor, and producer of the show. How brillant!!

I have only watched a few episodes but I am hooked. I laugh, smile, and sometimes shed a tear and even though I don't feel I'm part of their group, I somehow feel I'm their older sister who has been through some of their experiences. That I also went through their journey. But that I can also learn a thing or two about their generation.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Revenge of the Nerds

I am getting my draft today. I am also having a quiz in my penalty course. After decades and decades of being disciplined by the academe and even working in the academe, I still get scared. I still get grade conscious. I still feel guilty when I am unable to read my handouts.

I was never the stereotypical nerd. Maybe I lacked the cognitive ability. I was always high average in my IQ tests, and everyone thought I was an overachiever (siguro ang baba talaga ng IQ ko). My mom would always joke that I showed so much promise in kinder, only to be average as I grew up. And I was always compared to my eldest sister who was a genius. I flunked out of Law school after topping exams the sem before. Imagine what effect this had on my self perception!!


Now that I'm a little older (not wiser, hehe), there are many realizations I have about myself. One is that I am blessed. Yeah, I have these limitations, weaknesses (you have no idea what an exam could do to me), distractions (so weak I will resort to reading 50 shades darker instead of researching)(and I always forget what I'm supposed to do!!!!), but I think at the end of the day, I get the job done! Yup, I am a scatterbrain, but once I hyperfocus, better be sure you perform your end of the deal or I bark at you. Also that I am older, a little more jaded and experienced, I am less afraid to tell you what you did or did not do.


Maybe I'm beginning to love myself more. Or tolerate myself even better.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Arrrggghhh.....

I am so angry. I mean it. I don't even know why anymore. Or with whom. The anger just keeps piling up until I guess it it's time to explode.


I noticed a stupid phenomenon. Is it mercury retrograde of some sort? It's as if I cannot get the message through, and back to me. What is wrong with me??


My thesis adviser whom I consider a god of knowledge thought that I was being irresponsible and arrogant. If she only knew, I'm even worse!! Haha. No, really, and all because I got the wrong information. I mean really, instead of people scolding their students, why can't they see our effort? I know how hard it is to complete my thesis. As my good friend who is equally gifted said, they should be happy and grateful I'm trying to finish this!! Bless her!! And this is one of those days that I want to give up.


Except that my really hurried and sloppy draft is waiting for me in my adviser's room. With all the corrections, COMMENTS, or even a clean draft which means, do it all over again. GOD, the waiting is killing me.


I seriously want to just stop. But part of me, a big part of me wants to fight this. It's really easy to walk away. But I guess everyone has his/her stressors. And this is mine. At least I can say that if I don't get to finish it, I fought a good fight. With teaching, I'm already at a point in my life that I know I'm good at it. But with a thesis, I always need to defend myself and it makes me feel really insecure. It's like I'm dumb and I have to pay them to confirm that I am.


Breathe, dear. Tomorrow is another day. And tomorrow I will get my draft and kill all the bad thoughts I have in my brain.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Birthday Blues, Pinks, Kinks...

"I keep forgetting it's my birthday tomorrow. Until I realized why I was so cranky the whole day. I'm having the blues. I have not done anything extraordinary or spectacular. If I get wiped out today, tomorrow, there is nothing that would link me as einstein is to relativity. So, I'm in some panic mode now, trying to search for memories that would help me feel that I had actually achieved something." Alright, alright. This was the day before my birthday, and I guess I was into some kind of drama. Not the best comeback, right? It's been a long time since I wrote here in my infamous blog (as if, well, allow me my illusions of grandeur!!) and I realized how much I missed it!! I even changed the title of this blog, because I realized that I'm really not all that positive (haha, I try to be) and I want to be true to myself (but not so true that I'll write the title the bitchy, shitty mother, right? See, I have some ounce of self preservation!!). My students might catch this and yes, I have a reputation to take care of. Well, a lot has happened althroughout this time. I have gained (weight) and I have lost (seriously, a family member). I am quite different from the first time I logged in. My self confidence seesaws, and so does my sanity. I think I'm stronger now (except no marathon talk anymore, my knees are jammed. I'll walk the whole time.) I am back in the academe to finish my MA (i.e., kissing asses again). I now have two kids I am crazy about, and I still have my traveling. Well, well, well, here's to more writing.