Grief

I recently lost someone very dear to me, my Aunt Linda. She was the eldest sister of my dad, and she did not marry. We all lost her to cancer. She beat it the first time eleven years ago. But this time, it came with a vengeance, warning her only for a few months.

And then she was gone.

The last time I lost someone was in 2002-3, my grandmother and my uncle passed away, both within four months. It was a very sad, painful experience. But getting married and having two children somehow clouded those memories, and now that I am older, also because it was very fast, the grief is much more complicated to handle.

There are days when I feel really lonely. I panic at the thought that I will never spend any December 23 or 24 with my Ninang. I panic at the thought that I will never, ever see her again. That she won't call me to buy something for her, or she will not ask me to book a flight for her. I feel sad all of a sudden and I fight the tears.

There are days when I feel remorse or regret. I was not my ninang's favorite. And the initial stages of my grieving even involved jealousy. She and I never had a trip together or a moment together. She gave me jewelry through my sister. That moment of passing it on to me was stolen. She and I never got to say good bye. I told her I loved her but she was not able to say the same to me. For days, there was doubt. But after some time, I had begun to realize that she did love me, and had given me so, so much, even my husband and my children. I was not her favorite and I was not truly close to her because there was also a part of me that did not allow that, maybe out of fear. I don't know.

Many times I feel the loss. My Ninang was not just mine alone. She lived this world for all. She occupied such a big role in our family and everywhere, even in the church. She was everyone's leader and it will take someone really strong, talented and generous person to fill that void. Actually, no one can really take her place.

I dream about her many times. But no face in it. I just know it's her, because in my dreams, I can't stop telling her how much I love her.

I know that someday I will meet her again. But as I live the rest of my blessed life, I continue to pray for her. And for all of us she has left behind. She knows how much we miss her. But just as she wanted, we have to live our lives to the fullest.


There goes that rush of panic again...

Love That Body

I was recently talking to my best bud, Karish about diets and exercises. She's on a bootcamp, which is about to end, while I, breastfeeding mother, am taking my sweet time and just immersing myself in different exercises. Ever since I can remember, I have always been an exercise freak, but I have always, always hated the gym. I think I had one whole post on how the gym could be my friend, but then again, it's a different culture altogether, plus parking, plus buffs, and all that stuff. I'd rather stay home.

Anyway, I have downloaded many exercise videos and I find myself interested and entertained. Right now, I like Zumba cardio party for, obviously, cardio. There is also the ministry of sound pump it up video, which I cannot complete since it's more than one hour. I also do the Tracy Anderson post pregnancy for muscle and definition. 2nd child plus caesarian section = huge ab workout project. I can't even imagine how I looked in Sitges beach. Good thing I was just a tourist!!


My friends are also influencing me to join Plana Forma. Actually, I have tried it. And I still have one more session that I paid for. I am quite tempted to enrol and go unlimited for one month. But a dwindling milk supply stops me to do so. So, I have decided to put that on hold.

I also tried running again. But slowly and really taking it easy. Had fun the other day running two miles.

I was telling my best friend that I used to be thin. I used to carry a long and lean figure. Why didn't I love myself before, and flaunt whatever I got? My teenage years were all about illusions of grandeur. And now, what I have always feared got to me, creeping like a vine and would not let me go. These fats from college, to motherhood and old age. It's crazy.

Since I cannot diet and I cannot devote so much time to exercises, I have decided to commit myself to the following:

1. Try my best to eat healthy. I started eating brown rice again, and raw food (i.e., greens, fruits, veggies) Yup, I still have a bag of chips, and ice cream, but I'm being more conscious this time...
2. Exercise 5 times a week for at least 30 minutes. It does not have to be so hard, as long as I am having fun and sweating.
3. LOVE MYSELF and MY BODY. Must remember this. I had just given birth. And I must accept the fact that my body is always changing. And I hate the time when I'm all old gray and I'm regretting why I did not love myself when I was actually at most most beautiful phase.

Here's hoping I can do this....

Europe With A Four Year Old and A Baby

I have no idea how I survived this. But I did for 16 days. It was helpful we were on a cruise. But most of it I think was divine intervention. If you don't have a baby bjorn and a stroller, you're dead. I think those are the first two things you need to pack when you take the plunge. My 6month old slept in the bjorn while my daughter rested on the stroller.

Bringing lots of food also helped. I brought chocolait for Ava and it saved her from gastronomic tantrums. Mc Donalds and Burger King also saved us from a lot of expenses. But how could we resist gelato???

Lots of sandwich bags. All the leftovers came in handy. Everything was converted to 65, so imagine how much the prices of certain things were!!! Especially from the ship. I had no shame in bringing plates of fruit, cookies and bread to my room. It just had to be done.

Shopping? Everybody knows I am a stingy person who takes time in shopping and considers everything an investment. My solution to no chances of trying on clothes? H and M and nothing beyond 20 euros. It was either an expensive disaster or a cheap one that could be given away if the clothes did not fit me. Luckily I have an idea of how my body looked and my size (and the truth still hurts), and so I chose cheap clothes that I knew kinda fit me. A few items to satisfy my urge to shop.

I realized in this trip how helpful my husband was. And how good my children were. What a blessing. Beyond the painful episodes of trying to carry 3 huge bags and the heaviest stroller, I will not trade these experiences for anything. I would do it over and over.

school fever

My first born is going to the big school. I am over the moon with excitement. But I'm also worried how she will adjust to all 30 classmates and different teachers. Anyway, I just attended the orientation this morning. I have been in that same situation, giving the same instructions and now, I am the parent. It feels weird and creepy? Anyway, I am inches away from laughing at some parents. Maybe because I grew up in that school, but some of them, it's as if it is the parent who is enrolled. Feeling!! I am just hoping our representative is not such a soccer mom. I hate it that they live their lives through their children.

I also hope I'm not that windang mom. Whom the teachers find ridiculous, clueless as to the daughter's schedule. PE day and the kid comes in uniform. No classes and you find her kid in the waiting room. It's really sad. Some parents can be like that too. Maybe because they have such busy jobs and it's really yaya who makes the follow up. Oh well.

I don't know how it will be from the other side of the fence. Scared and excited for my little one. I just hope she'll have the time of her life. All I want is for her to be happy. Always.

Birth Pains

Im so sleepy. Yet I can't sleep. Is this the result of exhaustion? Probably. Or a cup of brewed coffee. Oh well. anyway, yes, I have given birth already. I am now trying to overcome the pain of a caesarian birth, and this common but not so common case of my recovery from my adhesions poses a challenge. I want to enumerate all my pains, in order for me to overcome them.

- adhesions
- sore nipples from breastfeeding
- lack of sleep
- hunger
- anxiety
- other body pains

My adhesions are really, really bad. Even my ob gyne feels for me, although she never experienced it. The pain heightens at night, when I am really exhausted and eager to sleep. And it is bothersome when I pee, sneeze, laugh, or cough. Terrible, terrible. This will take about a month or two to fully disappear.

Sore nipples- Agustin is not just a voracious eater but a cranky, fussy voracious eater. He gets so fussy before he can latch onto my nipple. It's crazy. It takes 5 to even 20 minutes for him to succeed, and it bothers me. Although once he gets it, it gets smooth sailing already. i think the lack of patience comes from me. After all he is only reaching his second week, and I am so eager to get past the adjustment stage. So there, I know I need a support system (hubby, etc) to let me get through this.

Anxiety - that is my problem now. My mind keeps running wild with unnecessary worries, thinking and thinking, to a point I am in tears and crying uncontrollably. I have no reason to be sad, in fact I am grateful for everything. But, I find myself fearful of the future, thinking of what will happen, trying to protect my two children. I feel guilty that I have to let go of my first born as my baby, but I also feel sad that she has also let go of me as the center of her life. It is a sad and painful journey to witness this, but I guess, I just have to accept this change. She is sometimes regressing, sometimes acting up, but I am also glad that she loves her baby brother very much.And as much as possible I try to involve her in taking care of the baby.

There. Now that I have finally written down my thoughts and feelings, I feel a little bit unloaded. I know this is temporary, fleeting, and that in due time, things will get better. I know it...

For My Babies

To my Ava and Baby Coochie, this song is for you. Thank you...

What are you doing the rest of your life
North and South and East and West of your life
I have only one request of your life
Is that you spend it all with me.

All the seasons and the times of your days
All the nickels and the dimes of your days
Let the reason and the rhymes of your days
All begin and end with me.

I want to see your face in every kind of light.
In fields of gold
And forests of the night.
And when you stand before the candles on a cake,
Let me be the one to hear the silent wish you make.

Those tomorrows waiting deep in your eyes.
In a world of love you keep in your eyes
Ill awaken whats asleep in your eyes.
It may take a kiss or two

Through all of my life
Summer, winter, spring and fall of my life.
All I ever will recall of my life
Is all of my life
With you.

LET IT ALL OUT!!!!!

I cannot thank God enough for listening to my prayers. I was not sure I would be able to see Tears for Fears on May 2, but a week before that, my spotting had stopped already.

And it was the best decision to brave Araneta Coluseum, with the mad fans all lost in awe and worship. It was pretty uplifting!! It also helped that I was with my college buddies, the most game and fun people you can be with during concerts!!

Well, of course, it started with a few hurdles. Lost tickets, rerouting due to heavy traffic, verification of affidavit, and finally, lining up to get good seats. Araneta is the best concert venue in terms of securing yourself with good seats and a pretty good view.

I did not vomit the whole day, and good thing, despite my excitement, I showed no urge to do so there at the concert. But as fate would have it, I missed the historic entrance of Curt Smith in the half complete Mad World Intro. Had to go to the bathroom.

Yup, some songs were not sung, Change, Mothers Talk (one of my faves), and Advice for the Young At Heart, probably, you just have to rely on your Video Hot Tracks Memories.

I remembered my two older sisters and how much fun it would have been for them to see this. And I missed them terribly. I still recall the Top 10 songs that we used to watch, somehow despite our big age gaps, we had something in common. But like our laughter in the car with my college buds, no matter how far we want to stretch the time, we just simply enjoy a beautiful night and resume our daily tasks.

Great to see Ely Buendia, too...:)

Hoping for THE CURE!!