Grief

I recently lost someone very dear to me, my Aunt Linda. She was the eldest sister of my dad, and she did not marry. We all lost her to cancer. She beat it the first time eleven years ago. But this time, it came with a vengeance, warning her only for a few months.

And then she was gone.

The last time I lost someone was in 2002-3, my grandmother and my uncle passed away, both within four months. It was a very sad, painful experience. But getting married and having two children somehow clouded those memories, and now that I am older, also because it was very fast, the grief is much more complicated to handle.

There are days when I feel really lonely. I panic at the thought that I will never spend any December 23 or 24 with my Ninang. I panic at the thought that I will never, ever see her again. That she won't call me to buy something for her, or she will not ask me to book a flight for her. I feel sad all of a sudden and I fight the tears.

There are days when I feel remorse or regret. I was not my ninang's favorite. And the initial stages of my grieving even involved jealousy. She and I never had a trip together or a moment together. She gave me jewelry through my sister. That moment of passing it on to me was stolen. She and I never got to say good bye. I told her I loved her but she was not able to say the same to me. For days, there was doubt. But after some time, I had begun to realize that she did love me, and had given me so, so much, even my husband and my children. I was not her favorite and I was not truly close to her because there was also a part of me that did not allow that, maybe out of fear. I don't know.

Many times I feel the loss. My Ninang was not just mine alone. She lived this world for all. She occupied such a big role in our family and everywhere, even in the church. She was everyone's leader and it will take someone really strong, talented and generous person to fill that void. Actually, no one can really take her place.

I dream about her many times. But no face in it. I just know it's her, because in my dreams, I can't stop telling her how much I love her.

I know that someday I will meet her again. But as I live the rest of my blessed life, I continue to pray for her. And for all of us she has left behind. She knows how much we miss her. But just as she wanted, we have to live our lives to the fullest.


There goes that rush of panic again...

Mom and Dad's Little Girl

My parents left for the States last Wednesday. I had been putting it off, but now I guess I cannot deny the fact that I miss them. A day never passes that there is no phone call from my mom or dad, or from both. For me or for my little girl. Now the phone hardly rings.

And I miss them terribly.

But I know that they will enjoy their trip because they will be seeing their 3 cutie grandchildren.

Which makes me realize how much I miss my sisters, too.

Oh well. They are just a plane ride away...

busy busy busy

It was just a month ago when I felt a little empty. Guilty. For not doing anything except eat, sleep and watch Gossip Girl and all the Oscar nominees. Now, I'm in the wild world of my practicum in UP, with a pale attempt to finish all my unfinished master's degree business.

It's really hard, you know. The program we are in is quite intensive, and with its condensed lesson plans, I feel myself losing control. I cannot calculate my time, I sweat beads in front of my students, and after my second session I feel that there is always something wrong with how or what I am teaching.

My daughter is also shortchanged here. My attention to her and her dad are divided now. That sometimes, I catch myself thinking about all the things I need to print instead of listening to my husband's cuento. And my daughter? She kind of knows that early in the morning is Mama Work time. How sad, sad, sad.

But, as I say how hectic and harassed I feel (photo-finish), there is a big part of me that feels excited and fulfilled. It has been more than a year since I last taught in front of children. And bragging aside, it's creepy to realize I do have that gift of connecting with them, that I have not yet lost that passion to teach. Every child is still a life to reach out to, to touch. And I still feel this tremendous amount of responsibility for each one to learn.

I keep telling myself I will give my children (well if another one will be coming, I only have one for now) a few years before I work full time again. But I am also scared that I might get impatient and restless, and so I am thinking of meeting my and their needs halfway. I probably will tutor (to apply my MA) and will think of another racket (a preschool maybe?). Well, we will see. But I have to finish my MA first. Oh, why is that so HAARRRRD??