busy busy busy

It was just a month ago when I felt a little empty. Guilty. For not doing anything except eat, sleep and watch Gossip Girl and all the Oscar nominees. Now, I'm in the wild world of my practicum in UP, with a pale attempt to finish all my unfinished master's degree business.

It's really hard, you know. The program we are in is quite intensive, and with its condensed lesson plans, I feel myself losing control. I cannot calculate my time, I sweat beads in front of my students, and after my second session I feel that there is always something wrong with how or what I am teaching.

My daughter is also shortchanged here. My attention to her and her dad are divided now. That sometimes, I catch myself thinking about all the things I need to print instead of listening to my husband's cuento. And my daughter? She kind of knows that early in the morning is Mama Work time. How sad, sad, sad.

But, as I say how hectic and harassed I feel (photo-finish), there is a big part of me that feels excited and fulfilled. It has been more than a year since I last taught in front of children. And bragging aside, it's creepy to realize I do have that gift of connecting with them, that I have not yet lost that passion to teach. Every child is still a life to reach out to, to touch. And I still feel this tremendous amount of responsibility for each one to learn.

I keep telling myself I will give my children (well if another one will be coming, I only have one for now) a few years before I work full time again. But I am also scared that I might get impatient and restless, and so I am thinking of meeting my and their needs halfway. I probably will tutor (to apply my MA) and will think of another racket (a preschool maybe?). Well, we will see. But I have to finish my MA first. Oh, why is that so HAARRRRD??

God Listens

I had been a little bit down for some time. You see, I took a leave of absence from my teaching job last year, a privilege I made use of. My reason was because I had to finish my thesis. I had been taking my MA for almost seven years now, from Special Education, to getting units for my license, to shifting to Reading (good choice for me). Anyway, that was only one of the reasons why I took my leave. I felt my daughter Ava needed me. And I guess I was right.

2008-2009 was a year for me with no income. Also for some reason, my tutorial stints were short-lived, and I personally had to face financial powerlessness (well, teaching is a noble profession, it' s the fulfillment that is the compensation, believe me). But this year proved to be very productive, nevertheless. I got myself a cheap but reliable lap top, a sewing machine, a few personal items, and even got to travel! I maybe lucky in that aspect, and I realized that God really protects and gives me what I need, not more, and not less.

I told my school I want to go back to teach, but the moment I did that I knew it was not right. I reluctantly accepted the full time post that was open for me. But I did it with a heavy heart. I knew that it was not fair to Ava. As her mother (I don't want to be praning), I thought I still need to be with her constantly, as I have to put her as my top priority above all. I received a lot of opinions regarding the matter. Sayang my discount for Ava when she starts going to school, Ava's big already, what about my financial power, et. al. For about a month, I had been, unknowingly, suffering from a mild case of depression (I use this loosely, though). I felt that I was dreading the month of May, leaving Ava with a heavy heart as I go back to my 7-4 job, feeling guilty for not taking care of her when my whole heart was telling me she's my priority.

Anyway, yesterday was my lowest point. As I was pushing her stroller, I thought to myself that going back to my school for 8 hours, 5 days a week was wrong, but I was too scared to tell my superiors that I made the wrong decision. I really prayed, with tears in my eyes, for God to take over, as He always has, and tell me what to do. I even told my best friend (who kept encouraging me to resign if it was not making me happy anymore) that night. And I prayed really hard. Because I did want to earn a little, not let go of Ava's future scholarship, but I also wanted more time with her.

That night I talked to my husband, and I really opened up my feelings and concerns. He was very supportive. This morning, I got news from a co-teacher that she was not interested anymore in a teaching position that was open to part time employees. I realized that was my window of opportunity!!!! I immediately called our principal (my good friend, God bless her!) and we talked, and it was a win-win situation after all....!! I mean, I could spend more time with Ava, but go back to teaching, and finish my thesis all at the same time!!!!

Well, the point of my story is this: I had been an idiot for some time, being anxious and worried about the future, about guilt, about being financially empty, everything, but not once did I think that God was with me even during these trying times. I mean, really. How dumb was I to think that God didn't listen to my heart's longings? Right?

I guess God has His way of showing me how much He loves me. It's just up to me to acknowledge....