Grief

I recently lost someone very dear to me, my Aunt Linda. She was the eldest sister of my dad, and she did not marry. We all lost her to cancer. She beat it the first time eleven years ago. But this time, it came with a vengeance, warning her only for a few months.

And then she was gone.

The last time I lost someone was in 2002-3, my grandmother and my uncle passed away, both within four months. It was a very sad, painful experience. But getting married and having two children somehow clouded those memories, and now that I am older, also because it was very fast, the grief is much more complicated to handle.

There are days when I feel really lonely. I panic at the thought that I will never spend any December 23 or 24 with my Ninang. I panic at the thought that I will never, ever see her again. That she won't call me to buy something for her, or she will not ask me to book a flight for her. I feel sad all of a sudden and I fight the tears.

There are days when I feel remorse or regret. I was not my ninang's favorite. And the initial stages of my grieving even involved jealousy. She and I never had a trip together or a moment together. She gave me jewelry through my sister. That moment of passing it on to me was stolen. She and I never got to say good bye. I told her I loved her but she was not able to say the same to me. For days, there was doubt. But after some time, I had begun to realize that she did love me, and had given me so, so much, even my husband and my children. I was not her favorite and I was not truly close to her because there was also a part of me that did not allow that, maybe out of fear. I don't know.

Many times I feel the loss. My Ninang was not just mine alone. She lived this world for all. She occupied such a big role in our family and everywhere, even in the church. She was everyone's leader and it will take someone really strong, talented and generous person to fill that void. Actually, no one can really take her place.

I dream about her many times. But no face in it. I just know it's her, because in my dreams, I can't stop telling her how much I love her.

I know that someday I will meet her again. But as I live the rest of my blessed life, I continue to pray for her. And for all of us she has left behind. She knows how much we miss her. But just as she wanted, we have to live our lives to the fullest.


There goes that rush of panic again...